Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Watching my son eat rice with chopsticks, 3 grains at a time, and I can't think of a better metaphor for parenting.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
Doing homework with your kids really shows you what you're made of. Currently I'm made of tears, rage and wine.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 20, 2017
Parents can save time by throwing half the money we spend on food directly into the trash and buying only one sock for kids rather than two.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 18, 2017
4-year-old: Did you know you can put cheese on anything?
4: *intense whisper* ANYTHING.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2017
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 16, 2017
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what's for dinner when it's 9 am.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 21, 2017
I like to describe both my adulting style and parenting style as "the before version in an infomercial."
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) April 21, 2017
Motherhood is simultaneously not wanting to miss a thing while also not wanting to be a part of these shenanigans.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) April 21, 2017
My toddler told me his diaper was full of peeps and I thought maybe Easter had mixed him up, but no, peeps it was.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) April 18, 2017
Get married & have kids so instead of being excited about the weekend you can chaperone a field trip & maybe go to a chain restaurant later.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 21, 2017
An episode of chopped, but it's me avoiding grocery shopping by making dinner out of boiled eggs, ham, and a half eaten chocolate bunny.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 17, 2017
I know I'm getting old because my kid called me an "old man" this morning and I wasn't even slightly offended.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 17, 2017
My kid is convinced I crept into her room and stole her pink pen, so now I can add BANDIT to the growing list of roles I play in this house.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 18, 2017
My favorite part of motherhood is when my kids demand the snacks I offered them 4 hours ago while I’m cooking dinner.
— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) April 17, 2017
Toddlers choosing what 3 things to bring on a desert island like:
1. Broken crayon
2. Naked babydoll
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 18, 2017
"I did! I did!"
– A toddler who didn't
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 18, 2017
I'm not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother's Day but I hope it's laundry.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 18, 2017
"Welcome to Parents-Year 7! On your left, you'll see parents saying the same thing 100 times. On your right, the Cave of Confusion…"
— Beauty & The Meh (@TheAlexNevil) April 18, 2017
My kid maintained eye contact with me while picking her nose & wiping it on my bed.
Do they earn toddler merit badges for these things?
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 16, 2017
I take one piece of my son's Easter candy and suddenly he has to take it to bed with him.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 17, 2017
At this point, I'm only packing my 7yo lunch for appearances.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 17, 2017
Playing dead when a bear spots you, except it's me playing "asleep" when 4 crawls all over me and pries at my eyeballs at 5:30 AM.
— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) April 21, 2017
Me, to 11 y.o: "You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid."
11: "Okkk… I'm sor- wait. Which sister?"
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 18, 2017
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