I would first like to note that it is absurd that any of these guys think that Jojo is going to remain as bubbly and easily sexually aroused as a long term partner as she is in this veritable amusement park of hot guys vying for her attention, TV cameras recording her every move, and removal from all stressful or mundane life activities. But tell that to all the people who meet their spouses on vacation, or, for that matter, in college. Or in their 20’s. Basically the only people that can tell what their spouse will be like under stress and for the long haul of marriage with kids are people who meet their spouse when their spouse is currently married to someone else, raising kids. And there are numerous ethical issues with that. The rest of us are screwed.
We open with Chris Harrison telling the dudes that there will be a second two-on-one date this season, and the dudes’ moods tank accordingly. The guys’ moods lift upon seeing their hotel in Buenos Aires. So would mine, until we had to figure out what corner the pack-n-play would go in. Wells gets the card for the one-on-one, and admits that he hasn’t kissed Jojo yet. The guys preen and conduct various downward self-comparisons between themselves and Wells. Jojo shows up, looking as splendiferous as only a woman courted by ten hot dudes in an exotic location can look.
Wells and Jojo stroll the streets of Buenos Aires, and stop at a little jewelry stand, where he buys her a bracelet, still too scared to kiss her. Poor Wells. He’s cute, but he hasn’t been dating women as hot as Jojo on the regular back home. Or on the ever. Wells and Jojo go to some underwater dancing girl show, and he misses another good moment to kiss her. They will be trained to do some underwater performance art, which means his first kiss is going to have to be underwater, which is way hotter in theory than in practice, except if you’re Kelly and Dylan in that episode where she stole him from Brenda and destroyed my fifth grade life.
Back at the house, the guys talk smack about Wells, and say that they don’t think he’s coming home, so I hope he comes home, whips out his 11 inch penis, and slaps them all with it for being jackasses. On the date, Wells and Jojo swim around, while he, like many romantic dudes, discusses how he wants the first kiss to be some huge romantic moment, and she says all she’s waiting for is him to make a move, and then, finally, he does, and she yells, “This was the moment, Wells, we did it!” Which is cute. He says his confident side is coming out now, and I would imagine that kissing a hot girl in the water on national TV would be an ego booster for most guys. I wish I could bottle that and sell it as a social anxiety cure.
Wells and Jojo sit down to dinner and he allows his imagination to run away with him, thinking he may end up with Jojo, but we all know she’ll go for a pro athlete, or a guy who looks like one. Wells discusses his ex-girlfriend and how the loving feeling left over time. And this triggers Jojo’s realization that she doesn’t in fact have that spark with him. That was a quicker rejection than I thought. Bye bye Wells. Lots of indie rock chicks will go for you, though. Jojo cries because she liked Wells, but she didn’t like like him. Then she cries because maybe love won’t work out for her at all. This is a common cognitive distortion called catastrophizing. And that’s how The Bachelorette teaches us about psychology.
Jojo and the remaining, hotter, dudes go on a group date. Luke in particular is looking muy guapo, or maybe it’s his whole tormented veteran thing going on. James Taylor, the insecure guy, talks about how he thinks the other guys are better looking than him, which they are. The guys do various attractive and athletic things, and Jojo literally gets injured by Jordan’s rock hard abs. Then they all sit down and have drinks. Luke takes Jojo away and cuddles with her, and she voiceovers: “I’m running out of words to describe the level of passion that is Luke and me together.”
James Taylor tells Jojo about how arrogant Jordan is, and she looks interested. Possibly turned on? Then he and Jojo make out, and she says how awesome he is. But as awesome as Jordan? We shall see. Jojo then confronts Jordan and says James has been saying they had an altercation, that I must have missed while discovering why my four year old was shrieking. Jordan says that James is one of his best friends, they were playing poker, James brought up a rule, and Jordan didn’t believe in the rule, and maybe he came off…. “Entitled?” interrupts Jojo. James says he doesn’t know what that means, which even for the IQ levels on this show seems like an excuse.
James and Jordan discuss how he tattled to Jojo, and Jordan thinks it’s pathetic that James talked about him. James tells the camera that Jojo deserves more than a guy who wants fame. Both the guys lose though, because Jojo gives the rose to Luke, because he’s the hottest of them all.
Two on one date, salsa or tango or something dancing with Chase and Derek. They engage in an awkward two-on-one interpretive dance of two guys competing for a girl, which isn’t much of an interpretation. Derek and Jojo sit alone together, and make out, and he says he’s falling for her, and says he’s “so freaking lucky to be sitting here” with her. She loves his passion, and I think Chase is out.
Now Jojo and Chase sit down and she says he hasn’t been emotionally expressive or open with her. He says he fears rejection, and she says she understands, but her biggest regret when she was on the Bachelor was not being more open with Beneric. But now Chase gets the rose! Why? I don’t even like Chase. I liked Derek. Sad face.
Chase and Jojo dance to a private concert of romantic music, and my four year old comes over and asks, “Is this what’s going to happen to me?” I say yes, and expectations are set. Sorry, Clara’s future husband.
Cocktail party. Jordan tells Jojo he wants to be in love and engaged at the end of the show, and she says, “Finally, you’re talking about your feelings!” Guys, women want that. Alex feels insecure because the other guys have had one-on-ones.
Commercial with Mary Ellen, not an actor, who used Chantix to quit smoking. Go you, Mary Ellen! My kids don’t even know what cigarettes are. But they do know what true love should look like, thanks to Jojo and man harem.
Rose ceremony, tension is high! Right before giving out the remaining rose, Jojo turns around and leaves! It’s between Alex and James Taylor. She tells Chris Harrison, “I don’t want to give this rose out,” and he takes it from her. She comes back and says, “James, Alex, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t hand out that final rose.” Then Chris comes back with a second rose, and both dudes get one. Way to procrastinate, Jojo. James is grateful, but Alex says they both got pity roses, and he doesn’t want a rose under those conditions (except of course, he takes the rose).
Next week: Robbie considers himself a front runner, so do other guys, $%^ gets real because hometowns are approaching, and Jojo won’t be this young and beautiful forever, so she needs to find a husband stat, or be condemned to a life of spinsterhood. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, I Think She’ll End Up With Luke or Robbie.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman’s private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.